a lettered view

this week needs to end.

i thought it needed to end before it even began.

im not going to say this week is horrible as i might be inclined to. because i do not want to get into that. i dont want to say it because if i do i honestly believe it. believe that, because this week sucks, that good things are not happening as well, that it cannot get better. to be truthful nothing all that entirely shitty has happened. its all internal, in relation to real things.

but i can say that i wish this week would be over. im ready for a fresh start.

but then i ought to know that every day is a new day.

Reblogged from allwegrow

allwegrow:

oh half of my hearts got a grip on the situation

half of my heart takes time

your faith is strong

but i can only fall short for so long

what?too far. why cant i stop smiling.

emotionally confused.

im emotionally confused. i think im over this and i dont want to be. but at the same time i know its right for me and i shouldnt want it in the first place. i dont know why. and im just enjoying everything else. theres the fact that i dont want to be enjoying his company as much as i do lately but hes been so nice. except i dont want to think this. i dont want to go there. he connects so well with her. and i dont want to lose what we have. things could be so nice if they are how they are. and he needs to stop. its inappropriate and too late. and its making me look bad. and i dont want to be missing matt again. i would so marry this boy.

i love it here.

with all my heart.

i cant go for a month without these people. ill miss them too much.

and i love autumn eyes. im afraid well lose what we are having. which is nothing. but its something for me.

i wish i could have been right about something for once in my life.

what else is new. cassie was telling her best friend how i fall really easily. its funny how shes the first person to notice/ever say anything about it.

i mean i do. but for nate the most.

its just awful. hes the second person ive really truly liked since andrew.

i dont know. its just not fair. i always knew this would happen. i knew i had no chance with him. and i didnt want to let myself get into this. because i knew id get hurt. im pretty sure i had this very same discussion with him. like i knew i needed to let it go before it happened. i started to really like brian before kim called dibs. that was hard. but that didnt matter because he liked danielle. and that turned out to be the guy she really liked. so i had to be over it. and fast. and nate was still there. and then i had the most magical week of my life. and then it was gone. and then there was frank. and he and i started to get along so well and he told me things and trusted me. and it was just so easy. and i liked him a lot. and kim called dibs and i had to pretend it wasnt so nice to like someone i actually had a chance with. but i never really did. hes in love with danielle. and danielle went from trying to get him and i together every party to suddenly liking him back and keeping it a secret. and well whats a little disappointment and betrayal. and nates still here. and we just keep becoming closer friends. and its so nice and hes so nice to me. and hell never like me. because what else is new. and im so tired of it. im so tired.

i dont want to get hurt.

i want a few things. i want someone to confide in. someone who i can talk to about anything. someone like matt. but here. and a friend i can cuddle with and watch movies in bed with. i want friends who confide in me. and i want friends who appreciate and actually somewhat want to know me. and love.

i love nate frank and alex. theyre great friends. and now i just need to find my way to be a good friend for all of them.

never mind the fact that i like frank and nate. im going with frank more because i know ill never be good enough for nate. nor frank but its easier to talk to  him.

someone pay attention to me. im overwhelmed. who texts me ever. no one. who likes my company specifically. no one. who likes me. no one. its true that  i cannot harbor self loathing and happiness in the same being. but tonight im tired and not feeling well and feeling under appreciated and he didnt want to come and matt doesnt care about me like i care about him anymore.

i dont know. im overreacting. i just wish i could hang out with him alone and not have him be completely bored. that would prove im good enough.

its just hard. i would like someone to watch them turn around and flirt relentlessly with my friend only a day or two after i let myself go for it. hes got wonderful taste in music. hes intelligent. he has a sweet smile. he doesnt do drugs or drink ridiculously. hes so very talented at music. he appreciates writing and poetry. he dresses well. he has a past. we have a lot in common. and hes so attractive. it only took him a matter of minutes to feel drawn to him. he gives me butterflies. and when he looks me in the eye its beautiful. but when he gets unpredictable and i cant keep up its scary. when he flirts with danielle he makes me feel small. my stomache drops. i have to stop getting myself sick over him. and i have to stop being so drawn to him.

i have to focus on anyone but him. so the people who are realistic are alex and brian.

people who are interesting but not on my radar yet are frank and nick and nick and chris and brett.

people who are cute and/or only friend material include ben jared doug tyler paul matt brian.

and people from home that id still like if given the opportunity are matt and andrew.

i dont know what i feel. i enjoyed flirting with andrew. too bad nothing will ever come of it. i really wish i could just hook up with him. but i know i cant hide that he was my first love and ill always be able to have feelings for him. i like matt. too bad were too far away and he doesnt like me and im too scared to ask and even if he did we cant do anything about it now and hes too young and people will judge me. i can always wait. but i dont want to date someone else if he might like me.

i need to just focus on being friends with people. such as. jared. ben. brian. alex. nate. brett. brian. chris. comp lab guy. frank. travis. greg. ilin. amber. tiana. cassie. comm class girl. etc.

ive got matt and andrew and nick rio.